Thursday, November 13, 2003

14:45, Baghdad – Now that Bremer and Kennedy have developed a plan for defending the palace, they have made it a habit of reminding us that they have developed a plan for defending the palace, and they send us electromail about how they are defending the palace every other day. Today’s focused on how well the palace was constructed, and how it could easily withstand mortar and rocket fire. On this point, I would tend to agree. A direct hit would do some local damage, but this is no house of cards.

Not at all. This is a house of bad taste.

When entering the palace grounds through the front gate, the first thing you notice is the giant heads. Saddam’s ego was huge, and he mounted busts to match atop four locations of the front of the building. Each is easily twenty feet tall, and depicts the former president in an open collared shirt and Kaiser helmet. When you stand close, you can look up his nostrils.

It makes me wonder sometimes that we have yet to tear these down as they seem to stalk the entire CPA staff throughout the day. I have heard that contracts for their removal have been signed and delayed and canceled due to concerns about the cultural significance of Saddam’s giant heads. Strange, on all of the murals and the city’s remaining statues, Saddam’s head has been violently removed. I’d at least have painted moustaches on them.

No. Wait. He’s already got a moustache. I’d have to add fright wigs instead, or giant arrows through his head (most likely, the horns are already under the helmet).

The only real problem I see with decapitation is that the Coalition-supporting bats probably live there. Each evening, they descend from their roosts to consume in great quantities the evil Saddam-supporting anti-Coalition mosquitoes that hang about the place. If the bats are dislocated, evil will win.

There are a few large bronze flourishes mounted near the north and south entrances but, other than those, there’s little of this place that would qualify it for the cover of Keeps and Castles. From the outside, what you notice mostly is the shear size of the building. At over 1,200 feet long, there’s at least a half a million square feet of finished space on two excessively tall main floors,… plus a basement,… plus ancillary structures,... plus the pool house. It’s reinforced concrete mostly, and covered in a dull yellow sandstone facade.

What is most noticeable about the interior is the marble. Marble floors. Marble walls. Marble stairs. Marble handrails. Marble bathroom fixtures. Marble wainscoting. Marble tables. Marble this and marble that. It’s totally marblectible!

And it’s atrocious.

The finish and installation quality is first rate, with complex and detailed patterns everywhere. But, despite robbing his people of trillions of Dinar, it still looks like Saddam only bought the marble that was on sale at Menards. Each room is different and there is no interconnecting theme of design – except for the theme of “gobs of mismatched cut rate sale bin clearance sale marble”.

What a pud.

The only feature that I really like is the ceilings in the hallways and antechambers. Many of them are frescoed in plaster, using various repeating floral and geometric patterns, delicately painted in pastel pinks, blues and greens. This type of finish does continue throughout the palace. Sadly, their subtle softness is in such contrast to the marble, that they have little affect on the rigid ambiance of the space.

Most spaces are lit by chandeliers. Big chandeliers. Small chandeliers. Sconce chandeliers. Queer chandeliers. Paid three bucks at Wal Mart chandeliers. Again, atrocious, tasteless details, cheap cut glass, and they’re bad work lights, too.

This place is not wired for anything even close to 21st century communications, so miles of cabling are strung on the ceilings and walls and floors, duct taped as required to reduced tripping hazards. There are very few naturally occurring electrical outlets, so there are now hundreds of extension cords and power strips strung across floors and in scattered and tangled piles, as required to power our numerous machines and accessories.

There aren’t enough bathrooms, either.

Ultimately, it won’t be missiles or mortars - what will destroy the palace is the thousands who work here. I have no clue what Saddam used this place for, but it was not intended as a functional administrative building. I don’t know the current CPA staffing levels either (besides thousands), but the Sergeant who tallies the folks in the chow line told me that KBR serves over 11,500 meals a day here. All these folks overtax the plumbing and the power, and I won’t be surprised when the building gives up, outlets smoking and sewage spewing.

Not exactly a fairy tale ending.