Monday, 26 January 2004

0930 - Baghdad. Through a variety of factors, including a combination of work and work, much of it the same old same old, I’ve got nothing imperative or particularly pithy to say. It’s like that weekend between the end of the playoffs and the Super Bowl, when there’s little to do but rehash. Therefore, barring an unanticipated burst of insight, the proverbial hash.

But first, the disclaimer:

Portions of the following have been circulating through the palace electro-mail over the past few weeks. As such, I can take credit for little more than readability. Some of it applies more to the more rural camps, but all of our accommodations are a bit underdeveloped. So, just in case you might like to experience a TDY (temporary duty) assignment in Iraq, here are some tips on preparation. Trust me. If you lived here, it would all seem funny for a little bit,… and then horribly sad.

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Keep an inch of cold graywater on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet. Pee on the floor. Remove the toilet paper. On random days, leave half a roll of paper towels next to the stool. For a more realistic experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take a shower, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit on a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. For that tactical generator smell, put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH".
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. To stimulate the proper ambient noise level, leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Develop your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your pantry or refrigerator. Serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal. Serve it in a brown plastic bag.
12. Set five alarm clocks to go off at random times during the night. When the fourth one goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Use only cold water.
13. Use 1/2 scoop of coffee per pot and allow it to sit unplugged for five or six hours before drinking.
14. Invite 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
15. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
16. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
17. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you. Bring your gun and flashlight.
18. Announce to your family that they have mail. Have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith".
19. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week and don’t dry them thoroughly. Roll up the semi-wet clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat urinates. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look like or how you smell. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
20. For proper ambience, shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home.
21. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blast fragmentation. Put a big crack the windshield.
22. While traveling in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
23. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
24. Drink your boxed milk and sodas warm.
25. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard. Sprinkle sand in your underwear drawer.
26. Before they come in, make your children empty their squirt guns into a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door.
27. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the back yard.
28. When your 4 year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After 2 weeks, give your son the gum.
29. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
30. Wait for the coldest/hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/hot.
31. Spell phonetically. Change your accent daily.
32. Drive to the worst crime-infested place you can find. Go heavily armed and paranoid, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent on a vacant lot. Speak in a foreign tongue. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

KBR is hiring.